Sacred Marriage

Earlier this evening I attended a presentation by Gary Thomas on Sacred Marriage and Sacred Parenting. He has authored books on the same topics, and if they're as good as his presentation tonight, they're probably worth reading. You can find out more at his website.

He actually didn't get to the parenting part of the presentation because he got a little long-winded on the marriage stuff and ran out of time. The main idea of the presentation was that our culture's expectations for marriage (i.e. perpetual bliss) are unrealistic and are perhaps not the purpose for which God created marriage. Instead, marriage is a means for both partners to become more and more like Christ. In the close, difficult relationship of marriage, each other's faults become evident, thus providing the opportunity for purifying and transformation to take place. Expecting sustained happiness is unrealistic when you realize that marriage is the union of two sinners, both of whom stumble in many ways. Therefore, according to Francis DeSales, marriage could be the most difficult ministry one could undertake. DeSales also said, if you want to become like Christ, get married.

I took a bunch of notes, and here are most of them:

Maybe God made marriage not just to make us happy but to make us holy.

The idea of finding joy in marriage to your ‘soulmate’ is a relatively recent idea in the grand scheme of human history. The idea of marrying for love and happiness did not develop until after the 11th century, developing in fullest form during the Romantic Era in Europe in the 18th and 19th centuries.

Often after the romance has faded, couples wonder whether they married the wrong person. But perhaps instead of questioning who they married, they should question their view of marriage.

Perhaps in asking for happiness/romance in marriage we are asking for something it was not designed for. We shouldn't value relationships based on the current level of romance, but whether they last. No marriage can live up to the unrealistic ideals and expectations we place on it.

According to Iris Krasnow, marriage is made up of tortuous work and predictable routine.

Via the character Wormtongue, C.S. Lewis, in The Screwtape Letters, criticized we humans for valuing the storm of romantic emotion that comes at the beginning of a relationship more than the actual purposes of marriage relationships—mutual help, the preservation of chastity, and the transmission of life.

When people marry for trivial reasons, they get divorced for trivial reasons.

To try to preserve romantic love is to try to preserve the unpreservable. Marriage is not about being young together but about growing old together.

Ask yourself this, does your partner feel like they are married to Jesus Christ? (See Ephesians 5, about husbands loving their wives as Jesus loves the church.)

We need to change our perspective and view a spouse not primarily as a source of fulfillment but as a sister/brother in Christ.

Are we God-centered or spouse-centered? The way a spouse-centered husband treats his wife depends on how she has treated him lately, whereas a God-centered husband treats his wife based on the unconditional love Jesus has shown him.

She is not just your wife, she is God's daughter. Think of God as your father-in-law. Show your respect and love for him by nurturing and loving his precious daughter.

The daily question should not be, am I happier today in my marriage than I was yesterday. Instead, the daily prayer should be, 'Lord, help me to love your daughter today like she has never been loved before.'

Remember that God wants to love your spouse through you.

When you change your view of marriage, from perceiving it as a source of happiness to seeing it as a pathway to holiness, it is amazing that, in Gary Thomas’ experience, happiness in marriage increases. Seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness…

Singles, keep in mind that you're not just marrying your spouse, you're marrying your childrens' mother/father. Keep in mind that character is the single most important trait to look for in a potential spouse. Look for someone who can work through conflict in healthy ways, who has a healthy prayer life and is open to the Spirit's work and transformation. Look for a humble person who is eager to grow and mature.

Marry someone who is increasingly like Jesus Christ; who could fall out of love with such a person?

Looks fade, but there is nothing like being married to a godly person. And there is nothing more miserable than the opposite.

Go to God, not culture, for a view of what marriage should be.

Regarding sacred parenting: don't spend so much time trying to purify your kids that you ignore purifying yourself, because your kids are studying you. We have never arrived; our spiritual growth should never stop.

I agree with Gary Thomas that we place unrealistic expectations on marriage. I know that I have typically viewed finding a wife as finding joy. And though I know that joy will be involved, so will much difficulty. I think it is very healthy to view marriage as a discipline of sorts in which two committed people seek to serve each other and to help each other to become more like Christ.

As difficult as it sounds like marriage is, I guess it's kinda nice to be single for the moment. And since marriage is not about being young together but about growing old and growing up together, I guess there is no rush. So, my question is, when is ol’ Gary going to write Sacred Singleness! :)